Baby, Baby, Baby, No.

Dear Usher Raymond IV,

I recently discovered that you have a liking for small, Caucasian males who bear striking resemblances to lesbians. According to something I once read on the Internet, your ‘friend’, Scooter Braun, was trawling famed video site YouTube one day (looking, I’m sure, for videos of the above-mentioned) when ‘he’ happened upon one Justin Bieber. ‘He’ (I too, would like to dispense with this thin veiling, but alas…) then introduced Mr Bieber to yourself, resulting in the epidemic the world now has to deal with.

Now I have nothing against self-made men, and kudos where kudos are due to Mr Bieber for having the go-get-em ambition to place his videos on YouTube along with a billion or so other individuals. Similarly, I have nothing against mass-marketing of individuals for net profits. In fact I support it whole-heartedly. Just last year I attended a Britney Spears concert in Sydney, though you’re correct, that is more of a religious experience than a marketing trap.

What I do take issue with, Usher Raymond IV, are certain facts about yourself. First is this blatantly false person you have created to find ‘talent’ for you to spruik. Scooter Braun is clearly a name you came up with looking out the window at traffic while you shaved your chin. Not that I need to provide evidence, but when Googled, Scooter Braun shows up a lot of different Caucasian men and a lot of photos of yourself and the protégé, Mr Bieber. Poorly played, Usher Raymond IV.

Secondly is this Mr Bieber himself. Now, he cannot help who he is, which is a very small young man with an inkling of talent, but you could have helped by not catapulting him into a spotlight of your own creation. I can only imagine you are attempting to hide the fact that you enjoy his music by slapping the world in the face with it.

Some weeks ago now, I was forced, practically at gunpoint, to listen to a song entitled ‘Baby’ by Mr Bieber featuring Ludacris (or possibly the other way around). At first, I thought to myself, ‘How bad could this be? It has ‘baby’ in the title, like a similar song by famed Goddess, Britney Spears.’ The answer to my unspoken question was very bad. Very, very bad, Usher Raymond IV. Unforgivably bad. I can only imagine the connotations brought into your mind when you listen to a song by a clean-cut teenager and a 32 year old man regarding a love that can never be.

Now as a global community, we have endured and done away with a number of phenomena similar to Mr Bieber. I bring to the table the examples of Lizzie McGuire, Hilary Duff and Hannah Montana, all slain by gladiatress Miley Cyrus. I have my hopes that Miley will eventually bring her own brand of justice to the Bieber name, but at the end of the day, it’s a matter of making the best of a bad situation, isn’t it Usher Raymond IV. And I’m sure you know who is partially to blame for this.

If this gauntlet ends up being tweeted by false man, Scooter Braun or even Justin Bieber himself, I will know I have failed to get through to you. I pray to Ms Spears that that does not happen.

Adrik