Mxffy

Dear Miffy,

You are a strange leporine piece of jailbait that has haunted me since I first learned of you deep in the dark depths of my teenagedom. You wear a cutesy little dress and have fat little ears and small features like you have been designed by someone in Japan or China, but you are not, are you Miffy? You are not! You are Dutch! That aside, you are almost sixty years old which is offensive considering your trap-like exterior.

Now, in Dutch…land your name is Nijntje which, and I’m sorry to say this, is clearly a monster’s name. It’s a scary, pointy name with no comfort in it at all. Somewhere else in the Netherlands, your nest is located and it is known as Nijntjepleintje. The Dutch tell me via wikipedia that this means ‘little Nijntje square’ which is oh so sweet and twee but also a filthy lie for I know, deep within my soul, that it means ‘mountain of skulls upon which Nijntje sleeps’.

I could go on and on about your blood-soaked origins, your draconian law-hands laying down all over Sanrio and poor Hello Kitty and her friend Cathy, as well as your infiltration into the imaginations of children all over the world ala Skynet and the end of said world, but I will not. Do you know why? It is because there is something far more sinister lurking underneath your two-tone surface. And that something is your mouth.

Your adorable, cross-stitched, miniature mouth carved straight from the bowels of hell itself. Clearly no one has thought practically about this mouth or you would not be so adored. For this mouth is not for speaking, or mouth-breathing, or any such thing, is it Miffy? No. It’s for eating children! I have counted the lips on your face, and there are four of them. Four! Someone else I know also has a mouth with four lips. That person is the Predator. And we all know what happens when he opens his mouth, don’t we? Shit gets real.

So what will happen on the occasion that you open your mouth publicly for the first time? It will be rather like a coming out party, where the world discovers that innocent little Miffy is in fact a soul-sucking demon, come to eat their younglings and bathe in their blood! It will be a day of doom.

So rest now, Miffy, like the succubus that you are, but know that my army of revolutionaries grows stronger every day, and be-armed with these gauntlets, we shall rise up and fight for our lives in the face of your unspeakable horror.

Adrik