Shhhhhhhh!

Dear Moviegoer,

You come in many forms and types, much like Pokemon, however I despise you all, much unlike Pokemon. When I decide to go to the cinema however, for some reason I do not recall this absolute hatred and blindly careen into a den of moronic twits each and every time. Why on Earth it cannot be me alone in the cinema every time, I don’t know, but since I do have to apparently deal with you people, I would like to remind you of some cinematic etiquette on the off-chance that you realise your idiocy and the even more remote chance that you attempt to change your ways.

Firstly, as the giant notice preceding every film at every cinema everywhere in the entire world states, SHHHHHH! Films are to be enjoyed on their own merits and surprisingly, I did not pay an enormous amount of money to listen to your commentary while I watch something very likely to be quite close to my heart, like the previous analogy of Pokemon. Further to this, any comments that you do make are generally witless, infuriating or delivered in a tone of voice that seems to pierce my brain with a type of pure irritation I have rarely felt. Sadly, unlike the commentary of a DVD (similarly infuriating and pointless) I cannot deselect you. But that I could…

Following directly on from this, and also in that giant notice shown before the film, cinemas are no place for telephone conversations. Nor are they the place to be SMSing, Twittering or tumblring from. They are in fact, a place in which to watch a film. If you cannot spend two hours away from the Internet and your various vacuous iPhone apps then you are a sad excuse for a human being and likely should never have left the hole you crawled out from. If you insist on answering your phone call, then at least have the decency only to do so in an emergency and to leave the cinema when you do. Do not say to someone ‘I’m in a movie’ or ‘I can’t talk now’ because these sentences are ridiculous and you should be shot if you do. Failing this, you should at least be lifetime banned from cinemas worldwide.

On the subject of small sources of general irritation, I have noticed on occasion that some of your more prolific examples enjoying bringing an entire flock of children with you to a film that is clearly inappropriate for their age. Toddlers do not mix well with adults at the best of times and halfway through a tense psychological thriller when your child decides to start asking questions or running down the aisle or pooing themselves is hardly the best of times. And just quietly, anyone below the age of twenty five should not be allowed entry to a cinema in a group of more than two unless they have passed a rigorous examination to determine that they are one of the rare young people who are not odious.

Now I don’t want to move on from your obnoxious talking variety, Moviegoer, but I’m afraid your other types deserve some light also. Directly central to my ears is my nose and this is accosted time and time again by the oft mentioned and seemingly never resolved Body Odour. The cinema is actually not your ‘good room’. It is not acceptable to remove your shoes and place your besocked, tinea-encrusted feet on the back of my chair or even worse, at the point of my armrest so that my elbow may occasionally come in contact with them. I do not know if my elbow is susceptible to tinea and I have no desire to find out. You, and all your cronies need to keep your shoes on. Nothing, nothing is more offensive than Body Odour, except perhaps when wielded by you, Moviegoer, then it is a fine line.

Coming a close second though is the smell of other people’s fast food. Considering the rule that hot, outside food is not allowed in cinemas, this is generally smuggled in down tops and in handbags and brought out in a crumpled mass of warmth to be scoffed in the dark much like a rat might eat a cockroach in the sewer. Because of this method of transport, it compounds some people’s Body Odour and permeates the air with sickly, oily fumes. It is overwhelmingly abhorrent to me to have to smell your half-congealed pad thai or moist naan or plastic mass of McDonalds. Eat it before or after the film outside the cinema, please. I beg of you. Grow some common sense. Sadly, this plea is likely falling on the deafest of ears.

I haven’t even touched on perverts, inappropriate PDAs or questioners. Nor have I talked about tall people in front of you or fat people attempting to get past you or applauders! There are too many types of Moviegoer than I care to think about and it would be impossible for me to catch you all. Hopefully however, this gauntlet will eradicate you all and I will no longer need to fear my cinematic experience.

Adrik