Puberty Moes

Dear Puberty Mo,

There is an anecdote that plagues me incessantly and I’m going to share it with you. In said anecdote, there are two frogs, two beakers, two tripods and two Bunsen burners. One beaker is filled with cold water and the frog is placed in it. It is then placed over a Bunsen burner to slowly boil. The frog, not noticing the gradual change in temperature, boils to death. The second beaker is filled with water and brought to boil and then a frog is dropped in the boiling water, however, the jarring change from ‘comfortable’ to ‘deadly’ is enough for this frog to jump out of the water and to the relative safety of the lab desk.

Would you like to hazard a guess as to which frog pertains to yo, Puberty Mo? That’s correct, it’s the first frog, boiling to death in its own stupidity.

However this should not be the case, because, while you do spring up, hair by bum-fluffy hair, on the upper lips, and occasionally patchily on the necks and cheeks of pubescent teens the world over, the teen in question is generally not the only person who can witness said change. Because, in fact, that teen has (hopefully) friends, and family who should be able to inform them that you have appeared. Once spotted by a concerned relative or friend, your bearer should be given a razor and instructed on the art of shaving immediately (unless they are female in which case, electrolysis could not be booked fast enough) but people seem to be blind to you and you adorn teenaged faces as far as the eye can see.

Due to this proliferation, I have come to the conclusion that you are in fact, sentient. Not only that, but that, something like the Triffids of old, you intend to kill us all. Mock me if you will, but allow me to present the facts.

First, you are a ridiculous example of a moustache, which is in turn a ridiculous example of facial hair in general, therefore, you should be eradicated as soon as you appear. All living members of the human race (barring the obvious) should adhere to this assumption and aid in your swift and timely removal. However, they do not.

Second, you have built yourself up in the legends of the male humans to being a symbol of masculinity and strength, which has led to many influential figures sporting hair on their upper lip where there should be none. This legend is in fact, wrong, yet continues to be followed by devotees to this day.

Finally, and this is perhaps the most upsetting piece of information, you are, barring electrolysis, irreversible. Do you understand this? Once you get beyond your foul pubescent phase which has so affronted me, you are immortal. Even when the body you live on dies, you keep growing! What kind of world is this where something like you is allowed to exist?

While I sharpen the edges of this gauntlet to send at you in the hopes it slices you from teenaged faces cleanly and efficiently, I am afraid that you may take the control you clearly have over the human species and use it against me, so I will just send it in spirit and hope that one day, the bum-fluff will clear.

Adrik