Medi-Evil

Dear Medieval Enthusiast,

Don’t think for a second that I am not seeing you when I walk past a pod of you in the park, gaily swinging wooden replications of various weaponry such as ‘broadswords’ or ‘rapiers’, dressed from head to toe in crushed velvet. Because I do see you. And it fills me with rage, which is why I pretend not to see you. This faux ignorance is offset however by the fact that I cannot stop my jaw from dropping literally to the floor, aghast at the idiocy I see before me.

I mean, could you have picked a less appealing time to obsess over? It was between the Roman Empire and the Renaissance, sort of in the way that revolting luncheon meat is sandwiched between glorious pieces of bread. People were uneducated and rude, everyone wore crushed velvet (I know I have mentioned this already but it bears repeated lampooning) and chain mail and as far as I can ascertain, personal hygiene was put on a seriously concerning back burner. Yet you persist in attempting to eschew the ‘values’ of this time in the public park.

I have come up with some possible explanations for this. First off the bat is that you suffer from terrible natural body odour and an uneducated outlook on personal hygiene and have decided the best way to cover this up is by immersing yourself in a culture in which this was acceptable. Bearing in mind that said culture has been dead for around 600 years. Another reason could be that you are a devout Catholic and see the Middle Ages as a high point of reference for your faith and so wish to, in the face of progress, ignore it. Yet another reason could be that you genuinely enjoy the feeling of metal and velvet on your body and like the heft of a long piece of oddly shaped wood in your hands. None of these reasons give me much peace of mind, frankly, and I will simply ask you, in lieu of an explanation to your insanity, to stop what you are doing and never do it again.

Now, to be fair, I don’t mind what you do in the privacy of your own home, but when you take to the streets, I’m afraid I simply must say something. I’m referring of course, to your Medieval re-enactments. These take place at random, sometimes in London, sometimes not. They can be anywhere from three people in a park with sticks to idiots en masse. Frankly, the only reason anyone outside of your wretched circle would go to one of these would be as an obligation to a school on excursion or out of some sort of curiosity fuelled by freak show addictions. These re-enactments make me want to fall upon my chalice and run you through with your own codpiece or some such medieval analogy.

If you must inflict yourself upon me, Medieval Enthusiast, please don’t. Take this unfortunately very fitting gauntlet and strap it to your cowl or bodice or horse, I don’t really care because you could not be more ridiculous than you are now.

Adrik