It’s revelveting!

Dear Velvet,

You disgust me. Your tufted, soft pile has been disgusting citizens of Earth some 4 millennia. Frequent use of you in dated maroons on the stages of school halls or community theatres, indicates you are likely to continue to repulse us all for many years to come. I must accept that there is nothing for it but to let you know how I, and I can safely guess at least 6 billion other people, feel about you.

You make our blood run cold, and if I were to accidentally touch you, heaven forbid, I would recoil and quickly die as though you were a poison coral only far less pretty.

Red Velvet: America’s crowning glory, culinary or otherwise. Its name is a confusing accessory to what is essentially God, in edible form. And I say that as someone not at all prone to exaggeration. How can this be?

Velvet Underground, Velvet Revolver, Velvet Rope and Velvet Goldmine* are metaphors for: hell; a weapon I wouldn’t use in self defence no matter how dire or potentially fatal the situation; something I wouldn’t hang myself with/respect at nightclubs; and hell, respectively.

What tricks did you play to enter many a King’s court and the court of The King himself? More puzzling, how has there come to be a cheap imitation of you? YOU! Namely, a one Miss “Velveteen”. A low-cost adolescent mutation of you. It’s like Aldi spawning a lower cost version of itself, nay, a $10 lady-of-the-streets madame-ing other street walkers for $0.25 a trick, nay, child labourers from a certain populous, unnamed Eastern nation recruiting foetuses to work for peanuts. Literally.

Velvet, you and Velveteen are surpassed in offensiveness (I know, right) only by Velour but I fear that if I were to even contemplate how vile this stuff is I might be found, days from now, propped cadaverously over my keyboard in a pool of my own sick. So Velour, you get off this time. With a warning. A stern warning that while this Gauntlet, fashioned out of luxuriant satin, delightful and smooth to the touch, is hurled at Velvet and its evil incarnate Velveteen, you had best withdraw yourself from the wardrobes of our beloved chavs and bogans or the next one will be for you.

Kyrani

*PS I forgive you David for your Odd decision to let Velvet within a 10 mile radius of one of your songs. It was the 70s. We’ll chalk it up to drugs.