Body ‘Oh Dear’

Dear Body Odour,

I’m not sure if you’re aware but the smell of warm, old onions and rotting flesh is absolutely repulsive. I understand that you are trying to warn us of something, that you’re informing us that our hygiene could be better or that we may be susceptible to some sort of parasitic infection (if not already afflicted), but honestly, could you not be a nice smell? Or a small electric shock? I know we have the potential for further senses, couldn’t you have manifested through one of those instead of as an odour?

Another reason for my disgust with you is the things you have sneakily marketed to us in order to cover you up. I’m referring of course to deoderant. I can’t quite get my head around whether this product is an oxymoron or ironic, so I’m just going to call it stupid. Deoderant does not de-odour. It compounds odour.

I’m going to use Lynx as an example. You have been marketing this at pubescent males, advising them that by bathing in a fine mist of chemicals, they will become men, able to attract women and not be wet with sweat. This is wrong on many levels. When one of these males actually empties a can into their armpit in lieu of a shower or on a crowded, sealed train carriage or bus, millions of fellow humans are then not only subject to your devastating natural stench, but also to the cool breeze of Arctic Mist™ or Mountain Blast™ or some other amalgamation of a cold noun and verb.

At this point, my rage is being directed at your subsidiary when in fact it should be firmly aimed at you. Your proliferation deepens with the en-fattening of each human generation, the continued obstinate growth of hair in awkward, pointless, hidden away places and fashion that leaves no room to breathe. Everything is, ironically, coming up roses for you and this makes me sick to my stomach.

I’d like to be able to imagine a world in which you do not exist, in which I could happily catch public transport and have my face buried in a perfect stranger’s armpit or fat roll and not be accosted with your putrescence, however I fear that were you to be eradicated, something equally, if not more terrifying might succeed you. Something like halitosis, skid marks or foot fungus. The world is a dangerous place because of you, Body Odour, and against my better judgement, I’ll be applying my gauntletified Speedstick of Blizzard Hammer™ against you.

Adrik