Dear NBA,

On Christmas Day in the morning I made the trip to Madison Square “Garden” to witness your New York Knickerbockers take on Miami Heat unsuccessfully over 4 tiresome quarters.

Now, I don’t wish to take anything away from the players in you, NBA. The likes of Michael “Freak” Jordan and Patrick “Freak” Ewing were not only phenomenally tall athletes but also great little shoe makers.

But seriously. What has become of the great game of B-ball? A once great game played with wicker baskets and calves skulls, that entertained masses the world over. Why now, can a crowd not sit through a game of 4 x 12 minute quarters without constant muzak, chanting of “DE-FENCE” (with accompanying picture of paling fence) on flashing screens, hot dogs as long as Shaq’s arm, infuriating cheer sticks aka inflatable noisemakers *shudder* and entertainment during the timeouts FFS?

The closest thing to even mid-brow entertainment you provided was a talented saxophonist, employed to keep the crowd distracted for a whole 2 minutes of time out, lest they implode with boredom or worse leave as they so fickly did 2 minutes before the end of the game when it became clear their loser team was stealing Christmas from the little boys and girls of Gotham.

With exceptional Christmas banality you had said saxophonist play Jingle Bells. A low point. But not as low as when, as part of the continual loop of inane sound effects, the first few bars of B-B-B-Bennie and the Jets came over the loud speaker. I was B-B-B-beside myself. Elton would be rolling in his grave.

Really NBA, why don’t you just go the whole hog and call yourself a World Series like your baseball counterpart. Last time I checked Toronto was in Canada, which is its very own “nation”. Weirdo.

So anyway NBA, I throw a gauntlet at you for selling out, dumbing down and fattening up what should really be a display of men of aberrant stature running around a shiny wooden rectangle in ill fitting clothes, bouncing a ball and, throwing that ball through a hoop decorated with plaited rope at any cost.

Kyrani