It Was All A Dream

Dear Dreamer,

I do not want to hear about your dreams.

As far as I can ascertain, there are two main types of dream that, for some reason I cannot fathom, are deemed worthy of being spoken of after the fact. The most common of these is the everyday dream. Basically your brain spitting random recent memories into a cup and swirling it around while you sleep. These are seen as fascinating by yourself, but I’m sorry Dreamer, you are very mistaken. The only thing more painful than listening to you recount the hazy, ridiculous dream you half-remember from the night before is death. Yes, I said death. I would literally rather die than listen to you talk about this particular kind of dream. You may think that I was there and that I did something hilariously strange and out of character, but I was not, I did not and I do not care what you think about it.

The second most common type of dream is also obtained by the previous spit-cup analogy method but instead of being vaguely based in reality, is ridiculous and fantastic in nature. Now, sometimes, these dreams are recounted in the form of very well thought out stories that are only loosely based on the dream. This is acceptable. What is not acceptable is a rambling recollection interspersed with the age-old and tedious question, ‘what does it all mean?’ Because I know what it all means. Absolutely shit-fuck all. Now I apologise for my expletive, Dreamer, but it is the only way I can express how little your dream means to me and the rest of the world.I feel I should give you an example of one of these dreams, but I do not want to stoop to your level while throwing this gauntlet at you.

Moving on from the content of your idiot thoughts, there are actually people who exist called ‘dream interpreters’ who will listen (for money) to your stories and tell you what they mean. I have two issues with these people. One is that they are enabling liars who only encourage you to continue your vapid rantings. Secondly is that you, Dreamer believe you are also an interpreter. You are not. And the reason you are not is because it is a crock of shit. Similarly to psychic hotlines, Tom Cruise’s heterosexuality and Oprah’s soul, the art of dream interpretation is not real. So you see how you doubly offend by pretending you can interpret your dreams and implying an inherently false skill.

Before I close, I would like to once again apologise for my expletives and leave you with a quote. A famous person in a famous film once said the famous line ’you were there, and you were there, and YOU were there..’ I didn’t care then and I sure as goodness don’t care now. Shove this gauntlet down your throat and shut the fuck up.

Adrik