Dear Revolving Door,

All rubbish things in this world are the namesake for something bad, be it a movie, a song or a person and you, revolving door are no exception. For proof of how hated you are, one needn’t look any further than the fact that you even have a syndrome named after you.

You boast some fine features – you keep out the elements, you cannot be blown open, you like to silently slay people at random. But you were a bit put out that the world did not revolve around you, weren’t you? So you decided to make the world revolve within you, where you could maim innocent rat-racers. You would have us believe that you are but a marionette, but you do not fool me. You even stoop to hop on the green bandwagon to save your rotten image.

You were originally the brainchild of a Mr H Bockhacker of Berlin, who was granted a German patent back in 1881. As a little aside I note that those crazy Germans also give us the less nimble revolving restaurant. These pointless gyrating eat-houses are allowed to function unchecked by the authorities in 52 countries. I say if you want a 360 degree view try craning your neck, or, and this is a really novel idea, get up and walk around. The award for the most offensively named revolving restaurant is a close call between “Revolving Restaurant” in Cairo and “Blacktown Workers Club” in Not-Sydney (oh the shame). The prize for the most affected hipster revolving restaurant name goes to “@mosphere” in Kota Kinabalu. Tossers. But I digress.

Dreaded by suits of just the one walk of life, you, revolving door have your humble beginnings in misogyny.  Seven years after Bockhacker was granted his patent, Theophilus van Kannel prepared to make his mark in the world. Van Kannel refused to accept that he was expected to open doors for women, hence you were a gift to all men to help them bypass chivalry. How tough life is for white men.

So death carousel, I want you to know that I know you recently made an attempt on my life, and so I throw this gauntlet at you and I dare you to try it again and then we’ll see who is boss.

Kyrani