Dear Underground,

A man with immense wit and talent and a rather nice piano once said “we can be happy underground”, but he was wrong. So wrong.

There is ample evidence that hell is located beneath the earth’s surface. Peer reviewed sections of the bible tell us this is so, but for those who might require further proof, surely the word of these people will quell any doubts. If the temperature on the Tube is anything to go by, hell is surely located under London.

Watching throngs of people frantically tearing off layers of clothing as they enter the oven-like stations and trains is like watching some second rate burlesque show. The Tube has been described as “hotter than Miami” except on Satan’s days off when the trains circle at a cool cool 35 degrees, and they become a collection of moving Petri dishes. Every cough, sneeze and burp lingers in the stale air to be hoovered by nearby commuters for incubation and spreading on future journeys.

Even more infuriating is your Tube map which bears virtually no resemblance to London’s actual geographical layout. Add to this what will be years of pre-Olympic line closures, delays, stupid stop names (Tooting Bec, Arsenal and Elephant and Castle, just look at the state of it) and overcrowding and you’ve got yourself one nasty old public transport system.

The uncomfortable twitching of claustrophobes, germophobes and agoraphobes makes riding the Tube almost worthwhile but oh how I long for Tokyo’s pristine carriages, jingles, sprawling corridors, etiquette signs and even these guys. Even the Paris metro, with its funny smell and terrifying art nouveau entrances, is a more inviting option than the Tube.

So, Mr Folds, while I respectfully acknowledge that your endorsement of the insights of progressive sociologist Dr Dre was inspired, you were very much mistaken on the subject of subterranean realities. We can in fact not be happy underground, least of all on The Underground, which right this minute will feel the impact of my 1,435mm standard gauge gauntlet, now travelling along the Circle Line, because let’s face it, it’s not like anything else is.

Kyrani