Shake It Up Baby

Dear Limp Handshaker,

A wise person once offered this truism (probably to someone who attempted to shake her hand, or at least I like to think so) “I do not shake hands from a sanitary standpoint” and it is something I take very seriously, like UFOism and fruitarianism. But recently, life has required me to engage in handshakes with many Handshakers, the greater majority of whom are of the Limpy variety. Like you.

The handshaking ritual began in a distant land in ancient times when two men of note shook hands and lookers on observed “that’s not bad”, and it just sort of caught on. Sir Walter Raleigh is credited with introducing this gesture to the Western world (around the same time he planted the first potato in Ireland – thanks Walter) and we all know what became of him.

The handshake among other things was thought to establish between two people that no weapon was held in the right hand. Ironically, your limp handshake is often used to conceal a more insidious, saline weapon.

Your limp handshake establishes two things:

1. An urgent need to liberally apply anti-bacterial hand sanitizer; and

2.  That your character is wishy washy and any association with you should cease

Now I’m not in any way endorsing the Strong Man Shake, whereby (generally male) Shakers attempt to ascertain status, strength and who has a bigger package through a series of wrestles and dummy shakes, but surely it’s not too much to expect a firm grip and a dry hand.

I had considered using my unbounded influence to lead society-wide implementation of the hygienically superior Japanese way but this makes character assessment difficult as at the crucial moment of judgement, your head is bowed, and you therefore cannot see the level of enthusiasm in the other Bower’s bow. Frankly, I’m not going to let you off the hook that easily Limpy, but I am working on it. Kowtowing and the Roman salute have real potential.

This tirade is entitled Shake It Up Baby because your limp handshake, while slightly less germ proliferating than the hand-kiss, makes me want to Twist (your wrist) and Shout (profanity) and then with an iron grip, and non-sweaty palm, pitch a gauntlet in your direction.

Kyrani