Cringe-age

Dear Teenager,

Having been a teenager for approximately 8-10 years of my life, I know that you will discount this gauntlet as the stupid ravings of an old man, if indeed you read it all. However, I shall persevere.

You have remained unchanged since your species’ birth during the Mesozoic era. As intermediary forms, or ‘pupae’ between the human baby and human adult, you are most well known for your rampant acne, budding sexuality and ability to confound any able-minded individual with your immaturity. It is this final aspect that I shall focus on.

Why is it that human adults are so flabbergasted by you? Surely it is not news to them that during this apparently formative period in the life-cycle of a human, teenagers give their minds over to hormonal imbalances and general disrespect for all and sundry. Yet the concept remains that ‘kids today…’ What of kids today? Are you not the same as you always were? The answer is sadly, that you are, and herein lies the problem. Teenagers refuse to evolve.

Babies are becoming smarter, more resistant to rampant problems such as in-utero heroin dependency. Adults are living longer, more fruitful lives and even beginning to understand that they must protect the planet. Yet, as it was at the dawn of time, teenagers continue to obsess about which member of the class they ‘like’ the most, whether or not they are growing hair, or breasts or larger penii, and generally ignoring everything around them in pursuit of a wasted childhood. I know this because I have lived it.

But what can we do about it? The answer, sadly, is nothing. Any form of attempted connection with a teenager by an adult is either ignored, ridiculed or twisted into some sort of perverse sexual intent. Any contact by an arguably more mature human baby is dismissed under the two former options.

There is nothing to be done for teenagers but there is a solution to the problem. Adult humans are living longer, studying longer and having babies later. This is because adults have evolved to realise that teenagers are not equipped to make decisions for the rest of their long lives. I propose that teenagers be demoted to babies and that teenage-hood be adjusted to comprise the period during which a human being is aged in their twenties. This period would be far more beneficial as a formative bridge between immaturity and maturity.

However, I have no doubt that you will take this idle threat and use it to spread the word on Bookface that adults don’t understand you and use the gauntlet for a fleeting profile picture on Myface before discarding it like the hopes and dreams of your parents were discarded when they birthed you. I understand that teenagers will not listen and are essentially useless members of society because I was once one, but I have hope that one day, some of you will rummage through your old shit, find this gauntlet, slip it on and find that it’s a perfect fit.

Adrik