Pocket Monster

Dear Lickitung,

You are a Pokemon. You are a symbolic representation of a lizard with its tongue protruding aimed at children up to the age of about eleven. And yet, when I look at you, all I see is a disgusting pervert. Why is this? Is this some sort of deep-seated personal bias I have stemming from at this moment unrecalled abuse as a child? Or is it something more serious?

Let’s look at your physical appearance for a moment. You have joyful, attractive pink skin with suspiciously hypnotic yellow markings. You have small, black eyes and walk about on your hind-legs even though you are not people! And of course, you have a giant, prehensile tongue longer than your own body that is always stuck out of your mouth.

Now I will admit that I have a particular dislike for things to do with the mouth, but in your case I think it is more than justified. What is this tongue for, exactly? Your tail seems equally prehensile and should, as it does in monkeys, serve you adequately for hunting and gathering, but you insist upon this repulsive tongue. Why, Lickitung, why? I’ll tell you why. It’s to capture innocents.

In the animated series of Pokemon, you were owned by Jessie, of Team Rocket. Further proof that you are evil, you sided with the baddies. As Jessie’s Pokemon, you attempted to rape her countless times, as well as molesting every Pokemon you came in contact with using your ‘signature move’, ‘Lick’. Lick, I’m told, causes damage and paralysis to the Lick-ee. I’m certain that if I, or indeed, any of the children you are apparently aimed at was to be Licked by you, we would suffer severe mental damage and paralysis from fear of what potentially violating move you might use next.

Moving on, allow me to deconstruct your name. In English, it’s the almost inoffensive Lickitung, very cute and apt. But in Japanese, it has far more sinister undertones; Beroringa. Bero being onomatopoeia for licking and ringa being ring. Lick a ring. Now I’m sure I’m not the only person who immediately thinks of rimming when given this etymology. One hundred percent sure.

I imagine you’re feeling quite uneasy now, Lickitung, knowing that your cover is blown. I would be uneasy too, in your position. Thankfully I am not a disguised sexual deviant that preys upon children.

I sincerely hope this gauntlet castrates you, or at least de-tongues you and stops your reign of terror over generations of Pokemon fans.

Adrik