Dear Internet,

Borne out of Cold War paranoia by an overzealous Department of Defence, you are now unwieldy and far removed from your original purpose: showing the Russians who had the bigger (technological) package. Now primarily used for peddling porn and violence, governments seek to filter your world wide web of lies, and you are proving to be a worthy opponent to some.

Internet, I am charging you with the attempted murders of the letter, the book, the humble pornographic magazine and the family unit. Your newly sprouted tentacle VoIP would see the telephone dead and buried, but she will not succeed. You are also charged with being a cesspool of ridiculous acronyms, MOO, MUD, POP, and sometimes impossible to say acronyms with boring meanings, SDSL, HTML. Not only that but you have rendered some people unable to type and speak but in acronyms, finding Oldspeak too challenging. AYCOYM? MOF I’ve GTG get a MOT so SIUYAS.

As far as information superhighways go, you’re pretty crap, riddled with user-based encyclopaedias that have somehow overtaken genuine scholars as the be-all and end-all of all things. ‘Wikis’ have appeared that cover every topic known to man, subcategorized and annotated as if they were REAL[i], BONA-FIDE[ii] source-based deductions and not the work of my 8 year old brother. So you can go on calling yourself the information superhighway but we all know you’re just a data alley, with pot holes, garbage and the stench of decade old excrement.

It is a well known fact that using social networking sites like The Facebook, My Space and Tweeter as anything other than a supplement to an actual social life causes people to become obese, agoraphobic and odiously odorous. But this is your plan isn’t it? You cannot realistically hope to take on humanity and win until we are all stupefied, fat and broke with the help of your children, eBay and Amazon. Each day you con us into handing over personal information, providing platforms for us to show off embarrassing snaps as well as bore ourselves to tears with engage with hundreds of vaguely familiar people we’ve been trying to ignore for years, all the while insidiously planning to take us down in the very near future with these very trinkets of our narcissism!

But I digress. You are a secure military information net (something I learned on Wikipedia) after all, so should be judged as one. Security-wise, it seems relatively simple for kids to hack your sites and cover them in unicorns, rainbows and Konami codes at whim so any fears humanity has of Skynet taking over, unless Skynet is an emo Twihard, can probably be forgotten.

So dream on Internet, if that is your real name.

Kyrani & Adrik