Jegged Little Kill

Dear Jeggings,

There are some things that should never be combined. Mango and chicken. Catholic priests and playgrounds. Glycerine, nitric and sulphuric acids. Katie Price and singing. Jeans and leggings.

Firstly, just because in the noughties skinny jeans were acceptable again doesn’t make it ok for you to go around masquerading as jeans. The printed seams, the absence of a fly, the slightly transparent areas where wide girths threaten to break free from cheap polyester. Did you think no one would question these “jeans”? And the wearer’s genes for that matter. Shhh what’s that?! Oh, it’s the sound of Levi Strauss’s ghost throwing up.

Secondly, there is your linguistic felony. Fashion critic Steven Ameling tells us the blending of the words “jeans” and “leggings” is an abomination. Now I don’t give a shit about fashion. I find it completely bizarre that there are people who actually critique it, and are able to garnish a living doing it, but clearly this is a brilliant man who should be our leader.

I’m all for blending words – brunch, liger/tigon, screenager, all good words and good things, with the exception of screenagers. They should be culled. But you, Jeggings, with your smug double entendre to “j”eans and “j”ogging makes me sick. The only thing worse than puppy-fatted teens dawdling in you is the thought of puppy-fatted teens jogging in you. Thankfully we all know obese screenagers can’t/don’t /won’t jog, so the latter is unlikely to happen. Bullet dodged.

If one cannot afford a pair of actual denim jeans they should a) beg on the street, turn tricks or sell a child until they can or b) don hessian sacks or fruit peel on their legs as any of these will be an improvement on wearing you, and if it’s good enough for fruit, well…

I take solace in the fact that you embrace the thighs and buttocks of often unsightly female humans, making your function also your punishment. An irony almost as satisfying as throwing this gauntlet at you.

Kyrani