October 2011
1 post
9 tags
Kill Two Ibis With One Stone!
Dear Ibis,
Many may not be aware of this, but you are the official international bird of Sydney. As a resident of this area, I come in contact with you far too often and I have a few bones to pick over with you.
The first bone is why are you even here? How did you get here? I have consulted with the oracle and she told me that you are actually a native of Australia. And that your sister is...
August 2011
2 posts
Copy Fat Cats
Dear American Producer,
Imagine my disgust when I learned Australian cult classic Wilfred had been remade without my express permission. Before the fur of disgust took seed there was a wave of confusion, not dissimilar to the confusion poor Wilfred must have experienced when his master transformed inexplicably into an American hobbit (yes, LOTR fans, I appreciate this is impossible). Dogs can be...
7 tags
Mxffy
Dear Miffy,
You are a strange leporine piece of jailbait that has haunted me since I first learned of you deep in the dark depths of my teenagedom. You wear a cutesy little dress and have fat little ears and small features like you have been designed by someone in Japan or China, but you are not, are you Miffy? You are not! You are Dutch! That aside, you are almost sixty years old which is...
July 2011
3 posts
Shhhhhhhh!
Dear Moviegoer,
You come in many forms and types, much like Pokemon, however I despise you all, much unlike Pokemon. When I decide to go to the cinema however, for some reason I do not recall this absolute hatred and blindly careen into a den of moronic twits each and every time. Why on Earth it cannot be me alone in the cinema every time, I don’t know, but since I do have to apparently deal...
Bog Off!
Dear Bog Troll,
I hate you.
Yours sincerely
Kyrani
……..
Haha, no you don’t get off that quickly, but seriously, I really do hate you. WHY ARE YOU THERE? If there ever was a profession that shouldn’t exist, surely it is yours. There is a reason you are not affectionately called Latrine Consultant, Strategic Toilet Director or Ablution Administration Assistant. It’s because your name...
7 tags
Personal Space Invaders
Dear Personal Space,
Why are you so defensively weak? You encapsulate me utterly to a radius from my body of approximately 50cm. You are invisible and weightless and for the most part, odourless, which is preferable, I suppose, to a constant plexiglass bubble around me at all times, however, when you are penetrated by something that I do not wish to have close to my person, I desperately wish...
June 2011
2 posts
7 tags
Approach With Caution
Dear Canvasser,
I do not want to talk to you. You are literally the very last person on Earth that I would ever want to talk to. If we were the last two people on Earth, not only would I not birth a new species with you, I would flat out refuse to speak to you.
Let’s explore why I feel this way. Firstly, in this fine country known as Australia, the vast majority of you are backpackers from the...
9 tags
Seedy Grapes
Dear Seeded Grape,
I promised I would refrain from innuendo when composing this gauntlet to you, Seeded Grape, but it seems that I cannot. I have nothing against bunches of bite-sized fruit, in fact, I quite enjoy popping a few of your seedless cousins into my mouth from time to time however, and this is quite a large however, I must take offense when you sneak your way in and surprise my...
May 2011
4 posts
5 tags
Medi-Evil
Dear Medieval Enthusiast,
Don’t think for a second that I am not seeing you when I walk past a pod of you in the park, gaily swinging wooden replications of various weaponry such as ‘broadswords’ or ‘rapiers’, dressed from head to toe in crushed velvet. Because I do see you. And it fills me with rage, which is why I pretend not to see you. This faux ignorance is offset however by the fact that I...
5 tags
Internet - Part the Seconde
Dear Internet,
As well as being an attack on you this is also an ode to print. Unquestionably, countless trees are felled and animals displaced to accommodate some appalling word salads masquerading as books, but in the interests of turning a profit, publishers must have an idiot filter in place. Internet, you provide no such thing. Clay Shirky, a General in the Army of the Republic of Obvious...
5 tags
Training Day
Dear Riffraff (aka fellow commuters),
I have beef with you. No, that is not me inviting you out for a steak dinner in broken English. As I’d prefer not to die of old age writing about them all I have chosen the Top 5 highlights, all equally maddening. If you are caught doing any of the below you should be tagged with a tracking bracelet or tattooed accordingly and shamefully, and banished at...
5 tags
I say tomato, but you don’t know what the f#@k...
Dear Tomato Hater,
Since even you have not been living under one of the rock-hard tomatoes you purchase, you will be aware that Woolies call themselves the “Fresh Food People”. And without any deliberate sense of irony, they continue to sell you and your kind more “gourmet” tomatoes in a day than these fleshy, seedy men throw at the annual “la tomatina” festival.
But the difference between...
February 2011
2 posts
8 tags
Body 'Oh Dear'
Dear Body Odour,
I’m not sure if you’re aware but the smell of warm, old onions and rotting flesh is absolutely repulsive. I understand that you are trying to warn us of something, that you’re informing us that our hygiene could be better or that we may be susceptible to some sort of parasitic infection (if not already afflicted), but honestly, could you not be a nice smell? Or a small...
5 tags
Die-monds
Dear Diamonds,
Everybody’s favourite Dame, Shirley “I-don’t-pop-my-cork-for-every-man-I-see” Bassey (she does) once told us that you were a girl’s best friend, a message reiterated by an especially pallid Nicole Kidman from a high perch in Lurhmann’s subdued piece, Moulin Rouge. From the moment I saw you I thought this could be true but I feel increasingly disillusioned. If we were...
January 2011
4 posts
6 tags
Gay Basher
Dear Homophobe,
I recently had the pleasure of an encounter with you while waiting at a bus stop. You drove past with the window down and yelled ‘poofter’, then made an obscene finger gesture at me. Now, before I go on, allow me to describe you based on the three cowardly seconds you spent in my vague presence.
You have a face permanently contorted in a hideous expression of rage...
5 tags
Your You're Own Worst Enemy
Dear Grammatically Challenged Ones,
While those close to me know I have many gripes about the mistreatment of our fine language, I will try to stick to just this one because I know you will struggle to keep up if I say too many things all at once. I will ignore for now the fact that you have not yet worked out when to use there, their or they’re, or then and than, or affected or effected...
6 tags
It Was All A Dream
Dear Dreamer,
I do not want to hear about your dreams.
As far as I can ascertain, there are two main types of dream that, for some reason I cannot fathom, are deemed worthy of being spoken of after the fact. The most common of these is the everyday dream. Basically your brain spitting random recent memories into a cup and swirling it around while you sleep. These are seen as fascinating by...
8 tags
Gold Hoax
Dear Gold Coast,
Over the years, there has been an abundance of misnomers associated with you. Sunshine Coast, ‘party-central’, Surfers Paradise… The list, while not endless, is far too long for my liking, and more to the point, completely incorrect.
I will grant you that your particular geographical location does provide you slightly more sun and warmth than say, the Arctic,...
December 2010
2 posts
5 tags
Son of a what?!
Dear Jesus,
For millenia since your birth and death and rebirth, you have been worshipped as the son of a God, somewhat like your brother Hercules was worshipped before you. You bring peace and happiness to people of faith all over the world, which is a wonderful thing, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to stop you for a moment. Why, you ask? Because you are ‘living’ a...
5 tags
Snow Way You'll Get Away With It
Dear Early London Snow,
It is a fact that 35% of all conversation in Britain is in some way related to the weather and also that 46% of Britons believe that only they even have weather. Our first statistic is an annual average, however these rates are higher at certain times peaking during the change of seasons between Autumn and Winter, which this year has been an affair more unpleasant than...
November 2010
3 posts
6 tags
Cringe-age
Dear Teenager,
Having been a teenager for approximately 8-10 years of my life, I know that you will discount this gauntlet as the stupid ravings of an old man, if indeed you read it all. However, I shall persevere.
You have remained unchanged since your species’ birth during the Mesozoic era. As intermediary forms, or ‘pupae’ between the human baby and human adult, you are most well known for...
8 tags
Pocket Monster
Dear Lickitung,
You are a Pokemon. You are a symbolic representation of a lizard with its tongue protruding aimed at children up to the age of about eleven. And yet, when I look at you, all I see is a disgusting pervert. Why is this? Is this some sort of deep-seated personal bias I have stemming from at this moment unrecalled abuse as a child? Or is it something more serious?
Let’s look at your...
5 tags
The Tooth Hurts
Dear Dentists,
Yes, after enduring cut-price emergency dental repair in France, and some extortionate London-based sanctioned torture that would make the Marquis de Sade blush, it’s high time someone pulled the rug out from under your feet. As Cosmo Kramer would say, I’m a rabid anti-dentite, and I’m alright with that.
Your name says it all – “dent” from the French, meaning ‘tooth’ and...
September 2010
2 posts
5 tags
Jegged Little Kill
Dear Jeggings,
There are some things that should never be combined. Mango and chicken. Catholic priests and playgrounds. Glycerine, nitric and sulphuric acids. Katie Price and singing. Jeans and leggings.
Firstly, just because in the noughties skinny jeans were acceptable again doesn’t make it ok for you to go around masquerading as jeans. The printed seams, the absence of a fly, the slightly...
7 tags
No Sun of Mine
Dear Sun,
It has come to my attention that you are not eternal. I find this appalling. How dare you assume a role as an essential component of growth for practically every life-form on Earth and then have the gall to not be capable of endless self-sustainability. How very dare you.
I will grant that you were born an almost inconceivably long time before I was and that you will die at a similar...
August 2010
2 posts
5 tags
Baby, Baby, Baby, No.
Dear Usher Raymond IV,
I recently discovered that you have a liking for small, Caucasian males who bear striking resemblances to lesbians. According to something I once read on the Internet, your ‘friend’, Scooter Braun, was trawling famed video site YouTube one day (looking, I’m sure, for videos of the above-mentioned) when ‘he’ happened upon one Justin Bieber. ‘He’ (I too, would like to...
9 tags
Duty Bound
Dear Pope,
I’m not going to pretend I know the minutiae of your existence. I am simply going to present this gauntlet to you for your consideration with the knowledge that I am but a human being.
I must get some things out of the way before I begin on the true reason for this gauntlet. First of all, I am concerned that you may be somewhat evil. Is your public relations department aware of this?...
June 2010
2 posts
9 tags
Puberty Moes
Dear Puberty Mo,
There is an anecdote that plagues me incessantly and I’m going to share it with you. In said anecdote, there are two frogs, two beakers, two tripods and two Bunsen burners. One beaker is filled with cold water and the frog is placed in it. It is then placed over a Bunsen burner to slowly boil. The frog, not noticing the gradual change in temperature, boils to death. The second...
5 tags
Beat the Parents
Dear Succubi,
Please control your children. You may giggle to yourself as your child, probably mis-diagnosed with ADHD, rams into walkers-by with its scooter, but I can assure you no one else finds it cute or amusing. In fact, not many years from now neither will you when your local cop shop phones you to say your offspring is present in their holding cell, written off motorbike is in pieces...
May 2010
2 posts
6 tags
ATM Rage
Dear Inexperienced ATM User,
I want to be a better person, but I’m afraid I do not suffer your ignorance gracefully. It seems to me that regardless of which ATM I use, what time I use it, or even which country I am using it in, you will always be one or two queue members ahead of me, head filled with what I can only imagine are pixies and unicorns.
An Automatic Teller Machine, or ATM (or ATM...
5 tags
Charmed.
Dear Charm Bracelet,
I was flipping through an in-flight catalogue the other day when I came across you in the jewelry section on the page following the ‘Seksy’ watch. I was intrigued and then horrified that you are actually advertised as something someone might want when in fact, you are no such thing.
Obsessively collecting items that have meaning to you and no-one else is...
April 2010
1 post
6 tags
He Who Smelt It, Dealt It
Dear Air Freshener,
Originally, I planned to write to air ‘fresheners’ in general, however, upon discovering you, Poo~Pouri, I couldn’t help but momentarily focus my rage.
I would like you to take a good, long look at your name. It is beyond frustrating and sadly begs further research. A quick browse through the illustrious Internet imparts the knowledge that the definition of poo is...
March 2010
2 posts
5 tags
It's revelveting!
Dear Velvet,
You disgust me. Your tufted, soft pile has been disgusting citizens of Earth some 4 millennia. Frequent use of you in dated maroons on the stages of school halls or community theatres, indicates you are likely to continue to repulse us all for many years to come. I must accept that there is nothing for it but to let you know how I, and I can safely guess at least 6 billion other...
6 tags
Space Has A Mouth Like A Hoover™
Dear Space Sequel,
You tend to arrive long after the first in a series of films and very long after reception has cooled to your content. Many people view you as a kind of shark jumping, which I personally do not understand as it bears little to no relevance to a sitcom about a middle-aged Elvis impersonator named after a Sesame St character.
I think you started life as a genuine film, and...
February 2010
1 post
8 tags
Maggots. In Cheese.
Dear Casu Marzu,
I was happily flipping though a book of unusual foods the other day when I came across you in all your ‘glory’, although, to be honest, it was not until later that I realised it was you, Casu Marzu, who is also known as maggot cheese.
I, along with the vast majority of my fellow humans, dislike flies and as a corollary, despise maggots. The fact that some members of...
January 2010
2 posts
10 tags
Tongue In Cheek
Dear Bronte Tongues In Jelly,
You ruined my life. I say this without a hint of sarcasm. While I was in high school, I frequented Australian cinemas such as the now defunct Greater Union and Village and the still ‘going strong’ Hoyts. It was in the latter which I first encountered your blue and bronze monstrosity. Before each film, there was a slideshow of advertising for local and...
5 tags
Slam Junk
Dear NBA,
On Christmas Day in the morning I made the trip to Madison Square “Garden” to witness your New York Knickerbockers take on Miami Heat unsuccessfully over 4 tiresome quarters.
Now, I don’t wish to take anything away from the players in you, NBA. The likes of Michael “Freak” Jordan and Patrick “Freak” Ewing were not only phenomenally tall athletes but also great little shoe makers.
But...
December 2009
1 post
6 tags
Tom Thumb
Dear Tom,
You were born in Douchebag, New York, a small town with a population of just one. After narrowly avoiding the Catholic priesthood, you inexplicably rose to fame and now live in a $35 million dwelling with its own postcode, a dozen bedrooms and 50 closets.
In Mission Impossible, your unconvincing performance made us want to self destruct in 5 seconds. In Top Gun you took our breath away...
November 2009
4 posts
7 tags
Geek Out!
Dear Nerd,
You may call yourself an ‘otaku’ in a vain attempt to link yourself with the culture you desperately wish to be a part of, but the rest of the Western world still just sees you as an ordinary nerd. And I’m pretty sure the culture you want to be a part of will never see you as anything other than a foreigner. As fan of Japanese anime who has also spent some time...
11 tags
Run Out Of Steam! Please!
Dear Steam,
I understand you consider the use of yourself as a cooking method to be a healthy alternative to flavour. You are, in my opinion, also synonymous with some of the most offensive human diets including macrobiotics, raw-foodism and the CRON diet. But perhaps your most revolting incarnation is as a method for making dumplings.
Don’t get me wrong, I love dumplings. But I love them to be...
5 tags
Revolving whore!
Dear Revolving Door,
All rubbish things in this world are the namesake for something bad, be it a movie, a song or a person and you, revolving door are no exception. For proof of how hated you are, one needn’t look any further than the fact that you even have a syndrome named after you.
You boast some fine features – you keep out the elements, you cannot be blown open, you like to silently...
10 tags
Wind Me Up
Dear Wind,
I have been thinking about you a lot recently. In fact, I’ve even gone to the trouble of correctly defining you so that I can properly criticize absolutely everything about you.
I have found that you refer to a number of things, but I’d like to start with your most immature node as an anally excreted gas. To break wind (or to find the activity amusing in any way) is to be of a lower...
October 2009
4 posts
10 tags
Dirty Hobbits
Dear John Ronald Reuel Tolkien,
I am livid. I’ve considered myself to be a fan of science fiction for many years now, watching, writing and reading constantly now, but as a child, I could never afford to buy new books, so I had to opt for second hand ones. For this reason, I was frequently presented with seemingly normal science fiction novels with a short blurb, an exciting drawing of...
10 tags
Right On Time
Dear 389,
I like to make an example out of things. I’m not going to deny it.
The 389, as you are colloquially known is a public transport route that runs from somewhere past Bondi to the city. You wind past Westfield Bondi Junction (WBJ to some, an unfortunate acronym at best) through the back streets of Woollahra, then through Paddington, where you make my acquaintance, then onward to...
10 tags
Totally Tubular
Dear Underground,
A man with immense wit and talent and a rather nice piano once said “we can be happy underground”, but he was wrong. So wrong.
There is ample evidence that hell is located beneath the earth’s surface. Peer reviewed sections of the bible tell us this is so, but for those who might require further proof, surely the word of these people will quell any doubts. If the temperature...
10 tags
But Is It Office Chair Accessible?
Dear Office Chair,
You are the reason we are all so fat. I hate to lay blame, but I’m afraid that in your case, it is more than deserved. As far as I can tell, you have three main faces; your office face, your comfort face, and your fat-enabler face.
Your office face is what we see most often. Be it in movies, on TV, or in real life, we cannot help but be offended by your presence in a cubicled...
September 2009
3 posts
9 tags
*[Sc]Rolls Eyes
Dear Bottom Scrollbar,
You load before the most offensive pages on the Internet. I see your kindred, the Side Scrollbar, and think nothing of it, perhaps watch the knob shrink and wonder how long the page is, but almost nothing else is triggered in my mind upon viewing it.
You, however, when I see you appear at the bottom of Safari, my Internet browsing application, I must resist the urge to...
10 tags
Go Hang Yourself
Dear Hangover,
You claim to represent the dehydrating effect of ethanol and the symptoms stemming there from, but I know that you are actually in league with the Devil. Why (oh why) do you punish fun loving people for having a good time? The only thing more unlikable than you is your namesake film which was a crime against comedy in the cinema if ever there was one.
You can always tell when...
12 tags
Amerikanism
Dear American Dub,
The way in which you hold yourself is offensive to my ears. I am a fan of Japanese animation, and I will admit that when I first started watching and became aware of it through the television, you were a very large part of it. Neon Genesis Evangelion’s American Dub still rings through my memory from dodgy SBS broadcasts I used to watch relatively late at night (9:30pm). Pokemon...
August 2009
4 posts
8 tags
Shake It Up Baby
Dear Limp Handshaker,
A wise person once offered this truism (probably to someone who attempted to shake her hand, or at least I like to think so) “I do not shake hands from a sanitary standpoint” and it is something I take very seriously, like UFOism and fruitarianism. But recently, life has required me to engage in handshakes with many Handshakers, the greater majority of whom...